There are worse things than a bad hair day!

So there I was…
9am…
Hang on a minute - don’t you have to put it together for me?
Oh! Just deliver… Okay! Now what…?
Read the book, yeah there’s always a book on ‘how to’ isn’t there?
WOW! A fitted kitchen has fewer bits than this. Maybe I should get rid of the packaging first.
No! Wait! What if something‘s missing? I might have to pack it all up again.
Good thinking… put the packing in the spare room just in case.

12 noon…
Ah ha, this looks like the manual, now we are getting somewhere.
Well! I would never have guessed that bit goes there in a million years.
Still that’s science for you, always thinking up new ways to confuse you.
And why do they insist on calling all the bits male and female couplings?
Anyone would think I’ve bought a sex toy.
Why can’t they just say, the bit with the prongs goes into the bit with the holes?
Then we’d all know what they’re talking about.
Bet a man wrote this.

3pm… Well it looks ok, no mysterious pieces left over, so it must work.
Mind you, the only bit I recognise is the plug.
Now according to the manual it will be as clear as a bell when I plug it in, so here goes.
Houston we have lift-off.
No we don’t.
Oh God, I’ve killed it and I’ve not even tried it out yet.
Don’t panic, slow down, and think about it.
Right!
Yes!

Ok, ‘Techno law’ everything that uses electricity always has a little light somewhere when you plug in.
Why?
To show it’s working of course.
Ok! No light, it’s broken.
Time to consult the ‘powers that be’.
Now if I can just find the number for customer… Bingo!
Believe me they’ll get a piece of my mind; if, I ever get through to a real person that is.
Yes I know all your operators are busy, you stupid voice, you’ve been telling me that for the last 35 minutes.

4pm…
Oh helloooo, Jason, (hooray a human at last).
Yes, I’ll tell you how you can help (if you let me get a word in, God how I hate smug know-alls)
It’s faulty…
Of course, I’ve plugged it in; nothing happened…
Model number, err… where will I find that…?
Ok, I see.
Right it’s Model 79634…
Yes that’s right, the man in the shop said it was…
Bang up to date…
So simple a child could operate it…
Pardon… 57, not that it’s any of your business…
Now listen mate, I know I won’t see 25 again and I didn’t grow up with this stuff, but it doesn’t mean I’m stupid and can’t grasp simple instructions.
I maybe a bit over the hill, but I’m not ready for the knackers yard just yet.
What!
For your information, not being able to program the darn video does not mean I can’t get to grips with this hunk of mettle…
What!
Right… Ok…
Apology accepted.

Now, can we get on…?
Yes, I have connected all the bits correctly; rest assured I am fully capable of reading an instruction manual.
Extraordinary as it may sound, they had these places called schools when I was a child that taught reading & writing…
Jason!
Oh, don’t be such a baby…
It was a joke…
Can’t you take a joke?
Ok, it’s a deal.
If you stop crying, I’ll stop being sarcastic.

What’s next then?
No, no light.
Did I what…?
No of course, I didn’t push any buttons I’m not thick.
Oh...!
Now you’re joking right… please tell me you’re joking?
There is absolutely no need to sound so smug Jason.
Where will I find it then?
Just a minute…
Ah! There it is…
No wait!
There are four of them, which one…
Oh yes, it would be wouldn’t it…
The one with ‘on’ written above it.
Ok, ok you can stop laughing now Jason, nobody’s perfect are they.

ICANITIS

It gets us all eventually

FRIDAY
Wonderful… it’s come at last--the ability to do—well, nothing. Oh, the freedom from all that daily grind. No more commuting to the office, rush hour traffic, or lunch time skirmishes in Sainsburys. I can do all the things I’ve ever wanted to do, but never had the time. I can go out on Sunday night knowing I don’t have to get up early Monday morning. I can cruise the department stores and browse the book shops forever without the need to get back and do something. I’ve got—Icanitis--what bliss.

SATURDAY
Still can’t believe I’m free. I revel in the fact that I don’t have to wash and iron over the weekend. The housework can wait; I’ve got all the time in the world. I can have a relaxing breakfast and read the papers from cover to cover, fantastic. Now, what shall I do next? I know! I’ll read for a while, I’ve been meaning to get to Alice Walker’s latest for ages.

One Week Later…
My God! is that the time? Must get a move on…finish the books later--have to--have to what?

Have to nothing, stupid, you have Icanitis, remember?

So, I forgot for a minute--so what--I’m new at this game. Help, am I really talking to myself? Oh well, I suppose it’s all part of this Icanitis business. What's next? Oh yes, make a list of all the things I've ever wanted to do but never had the time.

Ok… that sounds good… let’s do it.

Wait! Have to go shopping first for pen and paper. I wonder why I always have to buy something, to do something.

SUNDAY
This is the life. I’ve died and gone to heaven. I’ll have a slap up breakfast at the local cafe, overlooking the wonderful green rolling hills and valleys of the Chilterns. Then I can potter round the antique fairs dotted around the villages.

‘old up! Waxing a bit lyrical, aren’t you? Yeah, well what do you expect? I’ve never had nothing do before.

MONDAY
Now where was I? Ah yes…the list. Hmm, now… where did I put that note pad and pen? Right, item one. I could try art, there are a lot of fabulous views around here so… So what? Go and paint them.

Well, I’ll need a few things first, won’t I? Brushes, paint, one of those things to prop the canvas on. Ok, I get the picture, sounds like another shopping trip.

On the other hand I could learn to swim! You can’t breathe when you’re in water!

Keep fit? You can’t breathe and jump.

What about learning another language? You did French a while back, and you can’t remember a thing.

Surfing then? Are you completely gaga, how can you surf, if you can’t swim?

This is getting boring, hang gliding? You don’t like heights!

How about becoming a Buddhist monk? You’re the wrong gender, stupid!

A hippie then? No, you did that, years ago.

Ok, head’s out of the clouds, last try. What about writing? Yep, I can do that! Yesss…you don’t even have to shop for that, you’ve got pen, paper, everything you need.

Now what can I write about, hmm... I know, I can write something on retirement. Yeah, now you’re talking.